4th
April 4th, 2010: Yep, I Finally For Lack Of Better Words “Grew A Pair”
Goddammit, I just must be such a horrible person. Excuse me that my guilt caught up to me. You know what it was? It was when I was sitting in my closet, just bawling my eyes out because I’m so fucking lost now because of how much you’ve made me question my worth. And then it hit me, I was just like “that could be Micah in a year.” If you think for one glimmering second I’d feel bad about exposing you, then you can’t imagine the guilt I’d feel knowing that I could’ve prevented a girl going through the same sick fucking twisted emotions that I’ve had to live through for the past year and a half. And so, I betrayed you? Completely severed your trust? Well Josh, could you even possible fathom how fucking unbearable it’s been for me to hide all of your dirty little secrets all this time? Not secrets in your past, not wrong doings you’ve commited to yourself, but situations where you could’ve been potentially breaking someone else’s heart, while leaving me feel like I’d be responsible if the truth ever came out.
And you know what the most fucked up thing for me is? How acceptable you were of me being your side-line girl. You knew I’d eat the shit right out of your palms, and you fed it to me every fucking day until I was sick. To say you abused my love is a complete understatement, you abused every moral and reason of logic until the only meaning my life had come to was to appease you. And you can ask me, “how the fuck can you say that?” I can say it like this, Josh. The only reason you ever made room for me in your life was to get what you wanted. Crash at my house whenever you wanted to, get laid whenever you wanted to, have someone beg to talk to you, buy you shit, go out with you, and just give you a goddamn good time, while hiding it from the world. Do you have any idea how shitty it is being convinced that someone adores you, but not enough to tell anyone? How the fuck could you have ever been ashamed of someone who was as good to you as I was? And you lied to everyone, your friends, your girlfriend, your parents, while you threw me in a corner with tape over my mouth while you basked in all of your social and fucked up glory.
And I did all of this, for one goddamn reason Josh, because I loved you. Because some undeveloped part of my brain was living in a fantasy world that all of my efforts would one day be appreciated. But for the first and only time in a year and a half, that part of me has grown strong enough to see that you were never good enough for me. You aren’t good enough for anyone I know. Not Micah, not me, or any person for that matter. You know why? Because every person I associate myself with possess’s the one quality you dont; love. In order to recieve love, you have to give it, and the only person you ever loved was yourself. You did everything in your fucking power to sustain your love for yourself. Whether it leading me on for months at a time to ditch me for a new shiny toy that you’d cheat on with me, lying to your friends and everyone about what you were really doing, and having the audacity to make me believe I ever meant anything to you, the only person you’ve ever been loyal to in your entire life is yourself. I was the generator in your selfish fucked up social machine, and I’m done with it. It wasn’t even that you ever felt guilty about doing it, you were only ever guilty about getting caught. You’re days of playing everyone against each other for your sexual and social gain are completely over as long as I can help it.
I hope you spend your life living as uneffected by the emotion’s of others as you always have, and I hope the world gives you the same in return. You’re are the only person I could ever wish that on, because you are the only person selfish enough to deserve it. So go hire a fucking whore if you don’t want to give a girl the respect she deserves, and I can promise you one thing, you never deserved me and you never will.
